In a therapy session, the first partner’s numb withdrawal diminishes and he reveals feeling a sense of intimidation and helplessness. He can now assert his need for respect and become more accessible to his partner. He moves from "There is no point in talking to you. I don't want to fight." to "I do want to be close. I want you to give me a chance. Stop poking me and let me learn to work with you."
His partner's critical anger then diminishes and reveals deep fear and sadness. She can now ask for and elicit comfort. She moves from "You just don't care. You don't get it." to "It is so difficult to say – but I need you to hold me – reassure me – can you?"
New cycles of bonding interactions occur and replace negative cycles such as pursue-withdraw or criticize-defend. These positive cycles then become self-reinforcing and create permanent change.
